Value and Guilt
Counterclockwise is the 10-year evolution of me learning my value unloading the weight of guilt.
I popped into Walmart one morning. It was meant to be a quick stop because I had just taken the kids to school and I needed to pick up a few things before I headed into the office.
At the time, my kids were in private school and doing travel sports, so most of our salaries went to tuition, club volleyball, and BMX racing fees. They were thriving so my hubs didn’t see this as a burden or a sacrifice.
As I was scurrying through the aisles on my way to the register, a pair of capris caught my eye. I stopped to take a look at them. They were my size and they were on sale: $8.99.
I was about to put them into the cart, but then I stopped and put them back on the rack. I told myself, “I can’t spend that kind of money on me. It’s too frivolous.”
$8.99. I couldn’t justify spending $8.99 on myself.
I didn’t see myself worth spending a mere $8.99…but I managed to buy everyone else in the family something before I left the store.
When did spending money on myself equate to loving them less?
Fast forward a few years later, I sat in front of my laptop and agonized over the purchase of my first pro camera. It was used. But that didn’t matter, because it was new to me and it was far better than the 10+ yr old borrowed camera. My fingers trembled as they hovered over the checkout button. I think it took another 2 weeks and a day for me to finally purchase the camera…and then 2-hours of blowing into a paper bag.
It was such a big step in so many ways. It was the first big purchase solely for me. I didn’t need it…I WANTED it. And boy, did it take me on a journey: honing my craft, meeting amazing clients who became friends, taking on projects outside my comfort zone, opening a studio, traveling across the continent, and then across the world. All because I finally learned to trust my value…and eliminate the guilt.
The journey is different for everyone, but for me, I finally realized that I had to learn to shift my focus away from my flaws and speak to myself as a person I love:
“I have bra fat. I’m so gross.” to “It’s time for a new bra”
“I don’t work out enough” to “I’m so happy I got to fit in a workout today”
“I should have said/done this” to “It wasn’t perfect, but I know what to do next time”
Those thoughts sound so silly when I say it out loud now, but these are the things that would run through my mind late at night.
You give those around you the nurturing love, care, and encouragement they need. It’s time to shower yourself with the same…but equally important, you allow yourself to receive it.
